Sometimes I think I'm skinnier than I am. In obvious ways this is a bad thing for reasons relating to denial and delusion. But in many other ways this is good, because I don't obsess about my weight, I still feel pretty, and I think I look good in (most of) my clothes.
I'm starting to think my clothes have contributed to my current state. For one, I've been a crazed shopaholic, so if I got too big for something I had no problem buying something new to replace it.
But the main contributing factor, however, is something more complicated.
Despite going from a size 4 to a size 12 in about five years, I still like how I look in clothing. This is because I've learned a lot of tricks for dressing my body and making the most out of every item, whether camouflaging my tummy or making my legs look smaller or longer. My size may change but my body type doesn't, so I keep applying these same tricks and get the same outcome: a shapely, well-proportioned frame.
This is a great skill because I can always feel confident, stylish and pretty in whatever I wear. I don't want to blend into the walls, I don't hate my body and I feel I have more control over my appearance.
But maybe this is starting to be a problem. Maybe I have TOO MUCH control, and it's easy to hide behind figure-trimming tricks than burn calories.
Even worse, I fear my perception and my reality are diverging ever more by the day. For example, last week I bought a great pair of very mod, casual-Audrey-Hepburn grey cropped twill pants (on sale for $10!). I made an outfit around them that I was crazy about -- textured grey v-neck T-shirt, bright yellow cardigan, silver chain earrings and leopard print flats -- and I felt like hot stuff all day.
Then I got home that night, with my makeup faded and my clothes a little rumpled, and had a longer look in the mirror.
All day I must have been thinking I looked like some little Gap commercial girl, all willowy and mod. The mirror told a different story. Try as I might (and believe me, I keep trying), cropped pants are just not a good look for me. Neither are skinny jeans. And a T-shirt is not always a friend to my midsection.
So now I'm confused.
It's NEVER wrong to feel confident about your looks. In fact, clothing should help you do just that. I truly believe that when you think you look good in an outfit or hairstyle, you shine. When that happens, people notice YOU and not the clothes -- so in the end, it doesn't really matter what size you are or that you don't have the perfect shape.
With as good as I felt that day, I'm sure I had that shine. I was happy, and I had great interactions with people because of that. And even though I didn't like how my body looked at the end of the day, I will still wear that outfit because I love it, and I love myself.
So, are clothes a problem? Probably not. Is hiding behind them a problem? Maybe. I'm not sure. While learning how to dress your body, flaws and all, and feel confident in your appearance is something everyone should learn, I guess it could be an issue if you let that be good enough and stop trying to improve.
I will stay confident, happy, and sassy in my clothes, but I can't let that be the end of it. I have to find a balance between accepting my body and having a desire to be better.
I wish I was as comfortable in my own skin as you are. Good for you that you love yourself. How many of us can actually say we do? I love me-I just don't love the shell surrounding me sometimes. The rolls, cellulite, and stretch marks (all pre-pregnancy-things that aren't going away with pregnancy) are always staring at me when I am getting ready. I am terrified of skinny jeans. My thighs are huge and It scares me. I see skinny jeans as 'Vulnerable as hell jeans'.
ReplyDeleteIf I knew how to dress my body shape it would be different but when I was thin I didn't think about it. I just wore anything because I was thin. You can't do that when your pregnant or when you have pudge.
I have never been a fashion forward gal. I am a jeans and t-shirt make me feel sexy person. My husband thinks I look the best in these things than all dolled up too because I am more comfortable and that shows. If it weren't for him I would never feel sexy or comfortable in my own skin. He reminds me all the time that I am beautiful. I just wish I felt that way without reassurance. As soon as I can I will be following your lead with weight loss.
I am rooting for you! I love how honest and raw you have been. Don't ever hold back due to judgment, because I know your impacting me with your blog. I'm sure there are others you are reaching as well.
Good luck Linds.
Thanks for sharing Cassy. Your confidence really does show when you're comfortable, and it's very clear that Steve loves you like crazy. Isn't it wonderful to have people in our lives who love us just for us?
ReplyDeleteActually, Aaron played a big part in helping me get here. I used to be the type of person who is the first to point out my flaws so that I beat someone else to the punch -- like, if I put myself down first then you can't do it to me. He taught me how to stop doing that, saying that nobody notices until I open my mouth. Even though I'm sure they do sometimes, why should I get the criticism going? It makes me even more vulnerable, so the more I stay quiet the more I focus on other more positive things.
Anyway, hang in there. It takes a while and being pregnant is your nice vacation from body issues. Enjoy it, and get back at it when you're ready,